he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
