just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
