Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
