If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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