If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
