I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
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A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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