Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
