I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
