Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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