i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
