Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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