our cab driver is having phone sex.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
