Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
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we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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