No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
