i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
