He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
