I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
