I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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