even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
