At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
