you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
