I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
