I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
