Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
