I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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