i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
