getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
