i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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