I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
