Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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