Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How does one acquire holy water?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
