chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like death gave me a hand job
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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