I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
