If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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