Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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