Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
