end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
