you guys were way drunker than both of me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
