we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How does one acquire holy water?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
