be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
