Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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