I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
