I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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