Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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