I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
