HIV tests are more positive than that guy
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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