it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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