Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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