Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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