my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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