in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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