Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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