this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
