Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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