I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
