my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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