just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
