Please, let me fuck your mom
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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