I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
