Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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