Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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