Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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